Former Australian opener Usman Khawaja reopened Sandpapergate wounds with his new book, Sabr.

In response, the ICC launched an investigation and found that every cricketing nation had quietly been tampering with the ball for years. Rather than ban everyone, the ICC has officially legalized ball tampering and released guidelines for responsible use.

ICC officials called it “a way forward and a chance to right the wrongs of the past.”

Below is an excerpt from the ICC’s official press release.

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The International Cricket Council (ICC) is pleased to announce that, effective Boxing Day, 2026, ball tampering will be recognized as a legitimate and valued part of the game.

Official Guidelines for Responsible Ball Beautification

1. The phrase, “Ball Tampering,” shall be removed from every dictionary around the world. Henceforth, it shall be known as “Ball Beautification*.”
2. At every drinks break, umpires will bring out the Salivo-meter to check saliva-dampness readings. Balls found too wet will be declared drowned and replaced.
3. Bowling teams have the option to upgrade the method of Ball Beautification in exchange for DRS reviews. Mints cost one review; sandpaper costs two. Dirt is free, but you must bring it in your own pocket.
4. Innovation is encouraged. Captains and bowlers who devise novel methods of Ball Beautification will receive 20 merit points and 75% match fee bonus.
5. In recognition of his courage to go above and beyond (or rather, under and beyond), Cameron Bancroft will be appointed the ICC’s first Ambassador for Ball Beautification. The ICC has formally requested the King Charles III knight him Sir Cameron Sandcroft to immortalize his actions on 24 March 2018.
6. David Warner is forgiven for any wrongdoing. In exchange for regaining public trust, Warner is banned from ever doing Instagram dances again.
7. Although Cricket Australia cannot give Steve Smith back the year he lost in 2018-19, it has granted him a 30-year contract extension after watching Australia get bowled out for 99 and 111 against South Africa.
8. If any new substance is to be used, the captain must give a televised public demonstration in front of the umpires while balancing on one foot, arms stretched on the boundary rope, so that no member of the XI can later claim they did not know a foreign substance was taken onto the field to alter the condition of the ball.
9. Usman Khawaja and Ravichandran Ashwin will be appointed joint chairs of the ICC’s Spirit of the Game Committee. Meetings will be livestreamed on Ashwin’s YouTube channel, but findings will only be released eight years later, presumably in Khawaja’s next book. For the duration of his term, Khawaja is banned from giving primetime news interviews.
10. The annual ICC Shahid Afridi Award will be presented to the Ball Beautifier of the Year (or the player with the most reverse retirements in a year, whichever comes first).
11. There will be an annual conference where experts in the field will demonstrate their art. Some of the most requested demonstrations are “How to Lozenge” by Rahul Dravid, “Mint Diplomacy” by Faf du Plessis, and “Nail It!” by Nicholas Pooran. In this conference, attendees will learn about the Science of Reverse Swing and stalwarts like Waqar Younis and Wasim Akram will hold labs to showcase how reverse swing works.

*Rejected alternatives for Ball Beautification included “Ball Enhancement,” “Surface Optimization,” and “Assisted Reverse Swing Engineering,” the last of which was dropped once someone wrote down the acronym.

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In all seriousness, if ball management is widely accepted and reverse swing makes Tests and ODIs more entertaining, why not legalize it with strict guidelines?

Should Khawaja have spoken up sooner or was a book after retirement the only safe place to tell his truth? Was the bowling group being cheeky with the 2021 statement? And did three players unfairly take the fall for a scandal Cricket Australia never fully investigated?

We may never truly know. Khawaja has started a conversation cricket has avoided for eight years, and surely there is a way forward.

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Note: This is a satire piece. Take it seriously at your own risk. And if you enjoy reading satire, you may also like to read:

• Exclusive Interview with Wiaan Mulder: “I’m Not Here to Break Records. I’m Here to Confuse Future Cricket Historians.”
• Test Cricket is in Grave Danger, and the Big 3 Must Preserve It (Satire)
• Oh Lord, Please Save the Bowlers! 12 Rules To Change Cricket’s Dynamics

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